Before I jump into this week’s post, let me wish all the moms out there a very Happy Mother’s Day! I hope you have been rightfully spoiled and told over and over again just how amazing you truly are. There may be some who read this who either long to be a mother, who have lost their mother, or maybe even a mother who has lost their child. Today is difficult for you – a pain in your heart that no one but you and God truly understand. I do not know who you are, but God does, and He CAN help you through moments like today.
Mother’s Day is difficult in our home, too. This is the 6thyear Felicity and I have sent balloons, with our special messages, up into the sky, as one way of letting Jaime know that while she is gone, she is never forgotten. Mother’s Day is not too far from what would have been the celebration of my wedding anniversary. This year it is tomorrow (the 14th). This past week has been beyond difficult – emotionally speaking. To be completely honest with you, I have felt such a heavy loneliness. It’s nothing new. For those who have experienced any type of loss, grief hits when you least expect it. While I am fully aware of my loss, this week, the painful reality of my “aloneness” hit hard. The evenings were particularly quiet – just as they were in the days following Jaime’s death. Here, in the midst of a spring warm-up, I was hopeful for a snow day, just so I could stay home and not have to put on my grown-up clothes and a brave face. But the darn sun came out everyday, and I found myself mentally thankful for the stresses of my job, because it gave me a small reprieve from how I was feeling. Friday, though, I was worn down. And as I sat and edited the first podcast, I listened to one particular line over and over again, “I wasn’t fine and that’s OK.”
I am still working on giving myself space to “not be fine.” I think it is honestly difficult for me to do that because I don’t want to get stuck in how I feel, and walk around feeling sorry for myself. Having come this far, though, I know that there is great power in TRUTH. When I am feeling alone, it is so important for me to address it, to pray and let God know how I am feeling…AND to allow Him in the situation to do what only He can. That last bit is important because I find we can sink into this place of just believing that we’re doomed to feel a certain way indefinitely. But that’s not so. That’s not who God has shared HE IS. God IS OUR Deliverer! HE IS also our burden bearer. And while there may be friends and family around you, whom you feel do not understand how you feel, God DOES understand.
We need to give ourselves space to not be OK – I am preaching to the choir on that one! When we are not doing OK, we need to surround ourselves with what is TRUE. We also need to be aware that there are people around us who care – who want to ask how we are doing and then stick around for our response. For my readers who share a common faith in God, I would also add that the times we are not OK are the moments when we need to stay even closer to the Lord. He’s fully aware of our humanity and He loves us anyway. He knows us inside and out and is ready and willing to hear from our hearts.
This week I wasn’t OK…and that’s OK. But I know that in the midst of my not being OK, I was and am loved by God, who carried last week’s burdens and who stands ready for what is to come this week…for you, too!
Praying you have an AMAZING week, Friends!
**This is one of my favorite verses—“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10