Bend in the Road – 3 years later

 

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Wow! It is hard to believe that it was just three years ago, that I began this continuing story of our life following Jaime’s moving on to heaven. Before Jaime died, we talked about how life was going to be difficult, but that it was up to me how I chose to live. By God’s grace…and truly, by His grace and strength alone, I can say three years out that “it is well with my soul.” I didn’t choose to keep this blog because I desired a platform to share my passion for writing. I also do not share because I believe I am super-spiritual, have figured out life, or because I want to make those who grieve feel bad about where they find themselves in this very uncertain process. My desire, since March 7, 2013 has always been to be candid – painfully so, at times. In that openness, my prayer is that you have seen where I hurt, where I struggle and fail, and how God has never, never let us down!

In three years, we have moved to another state, experienced the bittersweet discharge of the bankruptcy, and watched God provide over and over again – faithfully keeping His promise that He would make our house a home and show us both how to live again. Felicity and I are blessed to have so many people surrounding us – near and far – who love us and are more than willing to listen to us when we just need to miss Jaime out loud. Three years ago I said, that I was choosing to not allow Jaime’s illness and death to run and potentially ruin our lives. And once again, by God’s grace and strength, it hasn’t. I believe Felicity and I are stronger and hopeful. In my first moments with you, on this blog, I shared quote from a book that I was reading at the time, “A Grace Disguised” (Jerry Sittser): “The experience of loss does not have to leave us with the memory of a painful event that stands alone, like a towering monument that dominates the landscape of our lives.  Loss can also leave us with the memory of a wonderful story.  It can function as a catalyst that pushes us in a new direction, like a closed road that forces us to turn around and find another way to our destination.  Who knows what we will discover and see along the way?”

I have to tell you, when I read those words, then, it was just a hope—a hope that, perhaps, I could get up the next morning and not fall apart at the sight or smell of Jaime’s perfume. It was a longing…that maybe I could get some sleep and not sit up all night long broken, lonely, and terrified at the thought of raising a three year old alone. Has it been easy – no way! Am I able to look back at the course of these 1,096 days and tell you that God has never let me down – without hesitation.   It’s been a privilege to share with you these three years. I look forward to the bends ahead.

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