Looking Forward When in Reverse

Yesterday afternoon, as I pulled into our driveway, I reminded myself that it’s easier to pull out in the morning (especially when we are running late) if I back down the driveway.  That way, I can zip up our hilly driveway and out of our neighborhood.  I was so tired yesterday that I had to stop, pull up, correct the car so I didn’t hit the house or the hedge.  Then, suddenly, I found myself looking forward and having very little trouble backing down into the driveway.  I actually said out loud, “So if I look forward it is easier to reverse?”  While I wouldn’t recommend this as common driving practice, it definitely rings true as a life principle. 

I have been so exhausted recently.  After I give everything I have at school, I come home with Felicity and give her every little drop of energy I have left.  Last week, I found myself on two separate occasions fall asleep with her sitting in my lap.  I then jumped up and realized she needed dinner or to take a bath before bed.  After she is settled, I find myself trying to work on things for school, only to fall asleep in a chair or in my bed with the laptop.  For the first time a couple weeks ago, I actually said to myself, “I hate being a single parent.”  I felt so guilty for saying that because it could be a lot worse.  That particular day I felt pulled in so many directions and it all caught up to me.  In the midst of running a school, and parenting alone, there are those little things that I have to continually push to “tomorrow” simply because there are only so many hours “today.”  And then there are disappointments.  I found out this past week that the medical bankruptcy process that had already begun in Florida was no longer moving forward since I had relocated to Pennsylvania.  That process will begin again soon here in Pennsylvania under new laws and, without a doubt, new paperwork that must be done.  I can’t tell you how much I am looking forward to putting that part of our life behind me forever.  Yes, I was a little upset when the news was shared with me, but my option is to continue looking and moving forward.

After Jaime died, I read in “A Grace Disguised” that after the calm period of accepting someone’s death, there would be those moments that would knock my balance.  I believe I am experiencing those moments.  I know that I am still adjusting to a new home, new job, new season of life, and new season of parenting.  There have been many days recently where it feels as though I am going in slow mode and that I am accomplishing very little and, perhaps, even taking ten steps back.  Those are the days, like yesterday, when my focus must remain forward.  Yes, there are plenty of distractions.  There is more than a fair share of lies to cover what is true.  But not one thing has changed since the days God’s peace invaded this broken heart.  So, as far as this short life is concerned, perhaps you’ll join me in looking ahead when in reverse. 


“I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.”

(Philippians 3:14, AMP)

1 thought on “Looking Forward When in Reverse

  1. It’s OK to take 10 steps back sometimes. It’s also OK to wish you had Jaime by your side to help you parent Felicity. I am so glad you still feel peace that passes all understanding. I know that peace.

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